Embracing 2013!!

It’s been 14 months since I was diagnosed with ON(AVN). Since going on the three month course of Lovenox over the summer my pain has decreased and I ‘seem’ to be getting better. I say seem because it’s not a consistent increasing line to improvement. I will have a few good pain weeks and then suddenly a bad pain week for no reason.  There seems to be no correlation between my activity and my pain during those weeks. The MRIs I had in August showed some revascularization to the area of dead bone in my femurs. I have more MRIs scheduled in February in hopes that it’s evident that more reossification has occurred.

When I feel defiant I push myself to do things even though it makes my pain worse. Sometimes in stead of feeling like 35 I feel like 85. I’m still unable to work and I fatigue extremely easily.  When going home for the holidays I was really hoping I would be able to make it through the airport with my walker but it was too far so I had to go in a wheelchair. At times this journey to getting better seems unending.

All along I’ve kept a really positive attitude, but sometimes I lose patience and feel overcome with frustration.  I’m proud that I can walk up the three flights of stairs to my apartment four times a day now and that I can walk about six blocks with just a cane.  However, sometimes at the end of the day, I worry that I’m not getting better, that I’ve just gotten used to chronic pain. I have to look back several months to remember there was a point when I couldn’t walk at all.

There are moments when I’m enjoying time with my friends when I forget about my ON(AVN). Then there are other times when I just can’t believe this happened to me.  I know you must all feel like that.

In many ways I have learned to live with this disease. But while all my friends are having babies, some even their second, I can see my biological clock ticking by knowing that my body right now couldn’t possibly handle carrying a baby. If it will ever be possible for me to be pregnant, I know I will be an older mother and I hadn’t planned on that. This is something that really upsets me and plagues my mind frequently.

I go to therapy and talk about my frustrations.  I can’t go on and on to my friends. Often because they don’t understand and also because I’m like a broken record. I’ve been trying to find the peace within myself to have patience, but as the months progress I have days when my patience has worn thin and I feel angry. I don’t want to feel this way.  I always said, and I think I even wrote on this site, that I didn’t want to be defined by my disease but before I do anything I always have to consider my ON(AVN) and how much my body can handle. My greatest battle at the moment is a mental one. I accept that this happened to me, but I don’t seem to accept the ramifications. I’m disappointed in myself for feeling this way.

Inspirational_quotesGoing forward I am going to put forth my best effort  to embrace the new year.  I hope each of you make progress and are able to come to grips with your disease from a mental point of view. Often the mental battle is almost as bad as the physical one. I wish all of you a Happy and Healthier 2013!!!!!

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2012 Review of my Blog

I was just sent an annual report of my blog for 2012. It’s really interesting how many people from all over the world have visited my site; 64 countries in total!

I hope my visitors continue to share their stories and experiences. Together we can connect the worldwide AVN community!

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 7,800 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 13 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.