It’s been 14 months since I was diagnosed with ON(AVN). Since going on the three month course of Lovenox over the summer my pain has decreased and I ‘seem’ to be getting better. I say seem because it’s not a consistent increasing line to improvement. I will have a few good pain weeks and then suddenly a bad pain week for no reason. There seems to be no correlation between my activity and my pain during those weeks. The MRIs I had in August showed some revascularization to the area of dead bone in my femurs. I have more MRIs scheduled in February in hopes that it’s evident that more reossification has occurred.
When I feel defiant I push myself to do things even though it makes my pain worse. Sometimes in stead of feeling like 35 I feel like 85. I’m still unable to work and I fatigue extremely easily. When going home for the holidays I was really hoping I would be able to make it through the airport with my walker but it was too far so I had to go in a wheelchair. At times this journey to getting better seems unending.
All along I’ve kept a really positive attitude, but sometimes I lose patience and feel overcome with frustration. I’m proud that I can walk up the three flights of stairs to my apartment four times a day now and that I can walk about six blocks with just a cane. However, sometimes at the end of the day, I worry that I’m not getting better, that I’ve just gotten used to chronic pain. I have to look back several months to remember there was a point when I couldn’t walk at all.
There are moments when I’m enjoying time with my friends when I forget about my ON(AVN). Then there are other times when I just can’t believe this happened to me. I know you must all feel like that.
In many ways I have learned to live with this disease. But while all my friends are having babies, some even their second, I can see my biological clock ticking by knowing that my body right now couldn’t possibly handle carrying a baby. If it will ever be possible for me to be pregnant, I know I will be an older mother and I hadn’t planned on that. This is something that really upsets me and plagues my mind frequently.
I go to therapy and talk about my frustrations. I can’t go on and on to my friends. Often because they don’t understand and also because I’m like a broken record. I’ve been trying to find the peace within myself to have patience, but as the months progress I have days when my patience has worn thin and I feel angry. I don’t want to feel this way. I always said, and I think I even wrote on this site, that I didn’t want to be defined by my disease but before I do anything I always have to consider my ON(AVN) and how much my body can handle. My greatest battle at the moment is a mental one. I accept that this happened to me, but I don’t seem to accept the ramifications. I’m disappointed in myself for feeling this way.
Going forward I am going to put forth my best effort to embrace the new year. I hope each of you make progress and are able to come to grips with your disease from a mental point of view. Often the mental battle is almost as bad as the physical one. I wish all of you a Happy and Healthier 2013!!!!!